Toxic People and the Gospel of Reconciliation

We humans are so hard, aren’t we? Relationship maintenance is exhausting when we have differences. Based purely on what is available online, we are a nation of humans actively leaning into harshness and conflict. On social media, otherwise lovely people sometimes express strong opinions in withering, abusive comments as if they are the absolute last word. And others pile on. Our national culture feels, well – mean. And it’s easy for the habitual tone of the larger conversation to spill over into other, more personal, interactions. So take your temperature: Are you at odds with anyone these days?

Perhaps you’ve gotten crossways with someone at work or school. It’s understandable; knees and elbows get in one another’s way when we work closely together. Someone behaves discourteously, or selfishly acts in a way that creates complications for us. We hurl an ill-tempered response; their feelings are bruised, and things are never the same. We never quite let go of it. One more relationship casualty. 

Rifts develop within families, sometimes over seemingly manageable conflicts. We’re less self-controlled with our own people than with outsiders. Responding to behaviors we don’t understand or approve is a challenge. We offer unwelcome opinions and the conversation deteriorates into an angry interchange. We withdraw emotionally; a chasm widens. The relationship may even dissolve into estrangement — and the void leaves a painful, festering wound.

Of course, it’s important to acknowledge that some people are dangerously, sinfully, manipulative and abusive. In those cases, we should pray for discernment regarding the valid decision to part ways. Most interpersonal conflict, however, does not fall into that category.

Online culture is rife with the popular psychology of assertive boundary-setting. It’s everywhere on social media. “Let Go of the Toxic People in Your Life.” “Let Go of What No Longer Serves You.” “My Self Worth Means I Know How I Deserve to be Treated.” “Life is Short. Don’t Waste it on Negative People Who Don’t Appreciate You.” There are thousands of memes encouraging us to excise from our lives those who don’t affirm us. The advice is always presented as healthy self-care. “Good for you. Surround yourself with people who build you up.”

I can’t help but be a bit uncomfortable with the "cancel toxic people” movement, however. First of all, labeling people as “toxic” feels a little lazy, leaving no urgency for us to try to understand others’ motivations and reasons for feeling as they do. It cuts mutual empathy out of the equation. It also feels out of accordance with scripture, absolving us from accountability for tackling the hard, messy work of reconciliation. As believers, we hold two principles in tension: first, that our inherent worth is unassailable because we are lovingly created in the image of God — and second, that none of us brings enough holiness to God’s throne to justify a salvation based on merit. We stand before God forced to confront the part of ourselves that is self-interested, arrogant, and unlovely. Toxic.

Yet scripture reflects a God wholly inclined toward reconciliation. God did not abandon us in our toxic sin. The apostle Paul reminds the Colossians that they (like us) were once “alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds.” Yet God “reconciled us in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, if indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel.” God’s loving initiative created a plan through which believers are fully reconciled to him through the work of Christ on the cross. We move forward in thankful humility, as we are transformed daily into a more Christlike version of ourselves as God accomplishes his work through the Holy Spirit.

In Romans 12, Paul encourages believers not to conform to this world’s default for how we should respond to one another, but to have an other-worldly mind synchronized with God’s reconciling nature. “Live in harmony with one another . . .  Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all . . . do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” 

This world is filled with brokenness, and we can’t repair it all, even for those we love. So what is the takeaway? It’s far too easy to become reinfected with a spirit of stubborn conflict contrary to God’s ongoing work in us. Let’s make a fresh commitment to cultivate a spirit of healing rather than harshness.

So what’s the takeaway? This week, reach out in some way to someone – a friend, neighbor, co-worker, or family member –with whom the relationship is bent or broken. Share a kindness, or simply a kind word, with someone with whom you have had difficulty. Don’t abandon the hard people in your circle. Crack that door. Take the first, small step. Let the process of reconciliation begin with you.

-Patti Summers